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You are NOT to blame for the Narcissistic Abuse

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In todays email:

🛑 Stop Blaming Yourself

❓ Questions from Readers

📚 New on the Blog

Dear Brave Survivor,

Today's letter carries an essential message about a weight many of us bear in silence - guilt. It's quite a heavy burden to shoulder, especially when it's misplaced.

And when you've been intertwined with a narcissist, misplaced guilt is often part of the package.

Hang in there, we're going to dive right into it and start untangling the knots together.

The Weight of Guilt

In moving forward from narcissistic abuse, one of the most challenging emotions is guilt.

It becomes a heavy load that clouds the mind, often convincing victims they had a part in the undeserved maltreatment they experienced.

This is a common aftermath, particularly in narcissistic abuse incidents.

This sense of guilt seeps deep within, and shedding that feeling can be challenging.

Blame Shifting

Narcissists are masters of blame-shifting. It's a tactic they often resort to, to escape responsibility for their actions.

They are adept at turning the tables, making you feel like you're the one at fault.

It's like a twisted game they play, turning reality on its head. You start to question your actions, your words - even your sanity.

However, it's vital to understand that their blame game is a maneuver, a diversion from their own faults.

Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards freeing yourself from their manipulative grip.

You Are Not The Blame!

Now, let's address the pivotal truth: You. Are. Not. To. Blame.

While a narcissist has their ways to distort reality, making you question your actions, please remember that the abuse was never, and will never, be your fault.

Their choices and actions are just that - their own. Their abusive behavior is a reflection of their personality disorder and not a fault of your character or actions.

You did not cause it. You did not deserve it. Clear your mind of any guilt and hold onto this truth:

You are not to blame!

How Do Narcissists Use Guilt?

Understanding how a narcissist uses guilt as a tool for control is important for healing.

Narcissists skilfully use guilt to manipulate emotions and maintain power over their victims.

They often create a narrative where you're always in the wrong, making you feel guilty for their own inappropriate behaviours and mistakes.

It's not just about shifting blame, it's about holding power - using guilt to keep you on a leash, to make you doubt yourself constantly, and to break down your self-esteem.

But remember, this is a tactic, and by recognising it, you can begin to reclaim your autonomy.

Overcoming the Guilt

The path to overcoming guilt may seem steep, but rest assured, it's entirely possible.

The key is to acknowledge and validate your feelings, and then challenge them.

Begin by reminding yourself daily: "I am not at fault". Practice compassion towards yourself.

Slowly, start reframing the guilt-induced thoughts - challenge them, confront them, break them down. Breathe deeply, let the guilt go with every exhale.

Reach out to trusted individuals, share your feelings. You aren't alone. Seeking help from a professional can also be an instrumental step in this process.

Remember, this guilt is not yours to carry - it was imposed on you. And like any heavy load, it can be set down.

Re-empowerment and Moving Forward

Re-empowerment and moving forward are essential parts of this journey.

As you let go of this misplaced guilt, you'll start to regain control, rediscover your worth, and resurrect your power.

Embrace your strength, resilience, and capability that have carried you this far. Don't rush, healing is not a race, but rather a process.

Celebrate your small victories - each moment of self-realization, each guilt-free morning, each step forward.

Gradually, you'll see a clear way forward, a path leading away from the painful past and into a promising, guilt-free future.

Remember, the essence of recovery lies in moving forward at your own pace. You can do this. You are stronger than you know.

Key Take Aways

I want you to remember two words: Be Kind - to yourself, to your emotions, and to your journey.

This path is neither straight nor smooth, but every step you take is an achievement.

Understand that resurfacing guilt is okay, and dealing with setbacks is okay - healing isn’t linear.

You have come far and have farther to go. And just like the guilt you're leaving behind, you're not alone on this journey either.

So, keep pushing forward, keep growing stronger, and keep believing in your power to heal.

Remember, there's a light at the end of this tunnel, and it's you.

❓ Questions From Readers ❓

Do you have a personal question you want to see answered in this email? Hit Reply and send me your question.

How can I differentiate between real guilt (for a mistake I've made) and misplaced guilt placed upon me by the narcissist?

It's a great question and one that many in your situation grapple with.

Real guilt stems from our actions and decisions that we sincerely regret.

It typically follows after we've done something that goes against our values or causes harm to others, and it motivates us to make amends.

Misplaced guilt from narcissistic abuse, on the other hand, is a feeling that's been manipulated into you.

You feel guilty not because of your actions, but because of the narcissist's constant blame and criticism.

It's a distortion of your reality to make you believe you're at fault when in actuality, you're not.

A good practice is to step back, assess the situation with a calm mind, and ask yourself - "Did I genuinely do something harmful or wrong, or was I reacting to a toxic situation or defending myself?"

If it's the latter, there's a good chance that this is misplaced guilt.

I understand intellectually that the abuse wasn't my fault, but emotionally I still blame myself. How can I reconcile these two feelings?

This internal conflict is completely normal and something many survivors face. Intellectually knowing something and emotionally accepting it are two vastly different processes.

Think of your healing as a journey, and reconciling these feelings as a part of this trip.

Accept that this rift between your intellectual understanding and emotional acceptance is part of your healing process and is not a failure.

Your mind has an amazing ability to protect itself, and sometimes that means it takes longer for our emotions to catch up with what our intellect understands.

Being patient with yourself, practicing self-compassion and self-kindness will help gradually reduce this internal conflict.

Also, remember, it's perfectly okay to seek professional assistance. A therapist who is experienced in narcissistic abuse can provide you with strategies and techniques to help reconcile these feelings.

It's a step-by-step process, and each small victory is a testament to your strength.

How can I build my self-esteem back up after it has been eroded by narcissistic abuse?

Rebuilding your self-esteem after narcissistic abuse can feel like an uphill battle. But I want you to know that it's not only possible but also an incredibly empowering journey.

Start by reminding yourself of your worth daily. You’ve been through a tough experience, and the mere act of surviving speaks volumes about your strength.

Write down your qualities and achievements, no matter how small they might seem, and read them when self-doubt creeps in.

Practice self-care and self-love. Do things you enjoy, things that make you happy and relaxed.

This can be anything from reading a good book to taking a long walk in nature. Prioritize your needs and well-being.

Surround yourself with positive and supportive people who see your value and reinforce it. Distance yourself from those who belittle or undervalue you.

Finally, consider seeking professional help. Counseling or therapy can provide useful tools and strategies to rebuild your self-esteem.

📚 New On The Blog

​13 Signs the Narcissist is Preparing to Discard You​

​How to make a Narcissist Feel Bad for Hurting You?​

​12 Examples if Gaslighting in Relationships with Narcissists​

In strength and solidarity,
​

Alexander Burgemeester

Psychologist and Founder of The Narcissistic Life​

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